How to work with what you wish would just go away

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January, here we stand, staring out at a this mostly unknown year ahead. We’ve said our goodbyes to 2020 and the fresh start we’ve been waiting for is here! It can be an invigorating time to set some intentions, the chance to reset our course, shake off the old, pick up again where we might have left off and try again. And yet what happens when that sparkling new start, begins to get muddied with well…life? How do we work with what inevitably shows up? 

Something I’ve noticed is that when we set goals for change, it can sometimes come with the desire to remove part of who we are to live the lives we really want. And yes I get the appeal, to want to surgically remove the internal blemishes. The downside is that…well I just don’t think it works in the long run! If anything I think the harder we fight the parts of ourselves we don’t like, the harder they fight back. So what to do? 

A practice I’ve found very useful in the process of change/growth/exploration is something from Narrative Therapy called externalizing. Which essentially means taking a problem in our lives, like our Inner Critic for example, and working to separate ourselves from it, so that we can get some perspective and perhaps shift our relationship to it. We begin this process by naming it. I call mine, "Ice Queen”. There can be something very empowering in giving something a name. “Name it, to tame it,” is a saying in the therapy world and as simplistic as it sounds I have found it to be very true. Naming can help to begin the separation process which in itself can be profound. 

And then what moves the process along is starting to investigate with curiosity what this part of us is all about. It’s leaning in instead of running away or fighting, it’s research essentially. I have found that the more intimately I know a thing the more choice I have in how I react to it. Because I can now see it, feel it, hear it with more clarity, it doesn’t get the opportunity to run the show quite the way it used to.  

Take working with my Critic for example, mine has a crisp, sharp voice, and fills me with dread, its arrival often feels piercing in my chest and it can be damn convincing with its logic. It berates me for all the ways I haven’t lived up to expectation and seem to have an endless list of arguments for when I try to fight back. And when it’s really going my solar plexus and my jaw get super tight. I find this creation of a character of sorts helpful, it gives shape to my Critic so I can begin to have some distance from it. 

Once there is some distance we can also be curious about what external factors strengthens this part of us, like going home to visit family for Christmas or too much time on Instagram or that extra drink last night. And then also what decreases its influence, maybe time with a good friend, a walk in the park, or a good night’s sleep. This gives us some ideas for choices we can make that might defuse some of the problem’s influence. 

Also in this process of externalizing we can begin to look at how cultural influences show up to support/create this part of us too. What values does this part of us have? Are they values we want to live by? Who taught us about those values? What benefits us in believing them, what is the cost? What stories does this part of us use to tell us who we are? What other stories might we include to expand on this narrow view of ourselves? These questions can help to deconstruct this part of us, seeing what it is made of & what makes it tick can help in the process of defusing its power.  

And yet there is still the question of how we actually meet with these parts of ourselves when they show up in real time. So often because of the suffering they inflict when they knock on our front door we either want to bolt and hide behind the couch or meet them with our fists raised. And yet interestingly enough what I’ve observed is that running or pushing these parts away only seems to make them stronger and more resistant. But what is our option then if we don’t want the Critic for example to be dominating our psyche all the time? Well this might sound strange, counterproductive even but what I’ve observed is that in actually turning around and facing them, opening the door when it knocks and inviting it in, this seems to diminish some of its power. And YET and this is the big yet we also don’t want to allow it to stay as a guest for months on end, we don’t want to make the conditions so comfortable in our house that the Critic ends up as our roommate. We see them, we acknowledge them and we give them a tea to go. 

Now this is the part that I think can take some practice, this is the Zen component if you will of this dance. For example the Critic shows up and I feel the sinking feeling in my chest and hear it tell me, “You’re no good, you’re really shit at this, the sooner you wake up and realize it the better it is for everyone.” And so I can choose to hear this voice, feel it’s effect in my body, listen to it but not align myself with it, and say, “Ah, that’s the Critic talking. Oh wow it’s really going for it. Oh wow my chest is so tight. Sheesh it is really mean today.” That’s a tea to go, experiencing it fully but not making myself its ally. 

And so what are conditions that make it comfy for the Critic to stay for awhile? Well it would be more like responding with, “Oh yeah you’re right I am a real shit. Oh yeah right I did mess up last week. Oh right and that other time. And that other time. Oh what’s the point? I’ll never learn.” When that happens we’re hooked, we’ve lost our perspective, and that might go on for a few seconds or a few weeks! And then at some point we wake up and say “OMG I’ve been under the spell of the Critic!” And then…well then we have a really tender choice to make. This is where self compassion can become a cornerstone of change. Because if in this moment we beat ourselves up for engaging with the Critic, we’re back in same old the spiral of negativity. But if instead we see that the Critic has become our roommate and say as kindly as we can muster, “Well that Critic it sure is persuasive. Wow look how lost I got. Sheesh let’s try this again.” Then we can go back to noticing the Critic doing what it’s doing from a safer distance.  

Now something else that I’ve found to be helpful, though it can seem utterly backwards is actually to offer some compassion not just to ourselves for getting lost but to that part of ourselves that we find so despicable. Often with a bit of investigating these parts we find so hard to contend with are actually trying to help, though in an outdated, misinformed way. So we can actually thank them for their service as we give them their tea to go. Sometimes I think the act of kindness is so unexpected that it seems to stun them into silence. Sometimes I think parts of us that are screaming so loudly simply need to feel they’ve been seen and understood. 

So with all that said I wish you much kindness towards yourselves as you embark on this new year and all your fresh intentions.